March 30th, 2004

alien © me

im bored so screw you!

Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything.

Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like.

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    diamonds and guns - the transplants
alien © me

i hate my ignorance sometimes...

GOD! im not having a good day... i got my period today... which was a relief cuz i was supposed to get it the 25th and i had started to think that there was something wrong with me... human Denise instinct... to assume the worst when something doesnt exactly seem of feel right... well... i got it... i was starving my ass off all day... i got cramps and my stomach was growling... all at the SAME time... one of the WORSE combinations... raul my "friends" and i seem to be getting worse! i dont know what to do... all the people that i had concidered my "friends" (*notice the quotes*), end up just... walking out on me like im nothing... if theres anyone that could kill me with just walking away... it would be bryan... i never really express to him how greatful i am to him and how i much i love him... but i do... its like crazy... i thought i was mad about ana... but once she... left, i realized that bryan is like the ONLY TRUE friend i've ever had... its sad, yes... but its my reality... bryan is my only hope... if he were to walk out on me... i'd be left in a cloud of nothingness... and i've realized just how ignorant i've been these passed couple months. i actually still had hope for ana and i to get be friends again. but i just take a good look around me... and its like its amazing how DUMB and oblivious i can be sometimes. and im realizing that nothing's ever gonna be the same, so i better start letting go... and then theres raul. i no longer know whats gonna happen with him... today he told me he wanted to stop being friends... and all i could say was "oh... ok". i didnt know what else to say... i, too, thought it would have been for the best... but he called back a few minutes later and apologized... and i dont know anymore... its frustrating... i love him to death... but at the same time i can really dislike him... i dont know... grrr...

i was gonna talk about something but now i completely forgot... and its not coming to me... i think it had to do with raul. CRAP! grrr! i hate it when i forget what im gonna say! oh yes...

i did it again. sunday night... i was just sitting... doing my homework... feeling like crap. And i dialed the number... 1-626-825... ect. I called Daniel again. I, again, just hoped quietly to myself that i would get his answering michine... and sure enough. I did. afterwards i thought about it... and i realized taht calling him just to hear his voice, is sort of my way of cutting myself. It feels good but in the end it does nothing but huirt me even more. At the time (while i hear his voice) it feels so good. I remember how used to make me feel better my simply talking. it could have been about anything. i was NEVER sad when i talked to him. i would turn everything off, tv, radio, cd palyer... i gave him all of my attention. i always felt SO good when italked to him. He never talked about anything depressing. And when i told him how i had been feeling, he would never fail to make me feel better... with a joke... by giving me advise... whatever. And i miss that so much it hurts. So i call him. Just to hear his voice... but at the same time... its hurts... It hurts like nothings ever hurt before. Because i so badly want to get to talk to him. ITs weird; In a way just hearing is voice is enough, but at the same time its not, b/c i want to talk to him. have a conversation with him... but i cant. But its just his ansering michine. and as soon as i hang up, thats when the pain comes. the realization that more than pleasure, and serentity, it brings me pain. but i cant stop. because i need something to make me feel better, even if its just for those few seconds. so i dont know what to do.

also, i called charlie with weekend. i talked to him for a while, but then he had to go. and that did NOT make me feel any better. b/c charlie and daniel sound SOOOOOO much a like. even with the COMPLETELY different personalitlies, their voices are so simular, and having heard charlie, made me want to talk to daniel. and once again, i was sad.

i've deiced that i want to do community service for spring break. i doubt i'll do anything all that exciting. so i want to spend time doing community service... i have sign up for what i want to do first. so i gotta check the vilunteer calender first.

i think im done. i gotta finish my english homework...
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