May 2nd, 2004

alien © me

(no subject)

ok... so about my last entry, let me elaborate.

jody does not like me... and here's why:
she told raul that she didnt like me bacause i wasnt good enough for him.

a few months ago, raul told me that during phys ed he was talking to jody, and some how my name came up. they talked about me for a while. then she told him she didnt like me. he asked why, and that is what she said: "i dont think denise is good enough for you... you should look for someone better."

until friday night, i thought fuck jody, she isnt someone to go off and say that, especially since she doesnt know me...

but i think she was right. im NOT good enough for raul.

this friday, raul, his parents, my mom, and i went to itzel's quince (itzel is an old preuss attendee)... we did nothing but argue. and that made me realize how miserable i make him. everything i do cause him pain. every word that is uttered from my mouth, just inches me closer to realizing that jody was IS right.

after that, i realized that not only do i make RAUL miserable and unhappy... but everyone im ever involved with in anyway! i do something, and if its not wrong to raul, its wrong to my mom, if its not wrong to my mom, its wrong to my brother, if its not wrong to my brother is wrong to someone else... its like i was just put on this planet to add that extra spice of misery into peoples' lives... and it sucks. i do want to do anything any more. i dont want to sit, i dont want to stand, eat, drink, sleep, move, sing, talk... i dont even want to BE anymore!

we left early; because of me.

im usually pretty good at hiding things (i.e. feelings). im good at keeping them inside, bottling them up, making sur no one knows. but satuday morning was my breaking point. what made me snap: the pancakes taht i was making were ALL burned. its like i've goteen so good at ruining peoples' lives, that i've lost my cooking touch! i just threw it all on the stove, marched out side, sat against the wall, and cried. Cried like a little white valleygirl who just broke her nail. yeah. it was that bad.

my mom then came out and tried to console me. and i just... i let it out. i told her how everthing i do is bad. every action i take just inches someone closer to complete misery. i told it everything was so bad that it had gotten to that point where i couldnt even make pancakes anymore. and hugged me. told me that wastn true. that somethimes things come out wrong. but we learn... and things that i've already heard that have become just... cover up words... words that sort of suit as a bandaid, they dont HEAL the wound... they just... cover it up. but little kids think its like magic, they think that the bandaid alone heals the wound, but as they get older, as they fall and get injured more, they realize that the bandaid only serves to cover it up... to temperarily make it seem like its taking that pain away. i went inside, climbed in bed, and kept crying. i did nothing but cry. then i logged on.

then i logged off.

then i laid down and she asked me id i wanted to go out to eat "brak"fast. i kept saying no. i couldnt face the world. i couldnt look people in the eye. i could look at all. in the end she heard my stomach growl and i gave in.

we went to cocos. i felt a bit better.

then i went to dalia's quince, went home, the miserable life of Denise, went on.

eww, life.
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