May 22nd, 2004

alien © me

suddenly... im graceful...

i've reached the conclusion that i dwell a bit too much on the passed. like, seriously. and it sucks major cock.

i read entries, take a look around me, just sort of observe people, and the things they do. they all seem so happy. except me.


because im still hurting from things that happened in the passed. i cant just get over it like everyone else.

like, the thing with my dad. my brother is just like "yeah, he hurt us, but he's my dad, i miss him sometimes, and i'm done with the whole 'i hate you' phase! yeah! happyniess once again!"

but me, i still hate my dad. i still resent him for having been so selfish. i still despise him for having cheated on my mom... NUMEROUS times. im still bleeding inside from that one time when i was with him, and on his "rear-view" mirror, was his girlfriends name, that he like cut out of a magazine. my little cousins saw it and was like "is that your name? is it your mom's name?"
i still hate him because he's a jerk.

also, the thing with ana. she's as happy as i've ever seen her. and im still internally bleeding to death. she's moved on. she doesnt really care about it much anymore. but i do. i see her laugh and be happy, but i just sit dwell, and cry until my eyes fall out. and i hate it. i hate being the ONLY one who's still hurt when something with someone happens.


and i dont know what to do.

i took a shower like at one last night, and i was just so depressed, its disgusting. i did nothing but cry. i cried because... anything and everything. SERIOUSLY. i saw the window, and i so badly wanted to break it, grap a sharp shard of glass, and slit my own throat so i wouldnt have to feel again. EVER. but then i just cried harder because i knew i didnt have the balls to do it. i cried for atleast a half hour. just standing there with the water splashing everywhere.

i hate being alive so much. like whoa! more than ive ever hated anything. even selene.

my cousins just walked in. and i was veiwing my "friends" page. and i think they saw my background. woops. im done. nothing has happened today. i think raul go tmad at me. but i dont remember why.

oh yeah. cause he has a tendency to to take pictures of me... well... technically not of ME. of my boobs. and my ass. but mainly my boobs. and it pisses me off. and i told him to stop. and he got mad. so he said he "had to go". there are times when i really cant even stand him. GOD!

i just noticed taht my cousin is getting chubby. :-/

now that i really look at him, its kinda funny.

but i hate life too much to laugh.

eww. life.
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