June 3rd, 2004

alien © me

lost... lonely... and lethal...


one thing im dreading most is coming sooner than i would like it to. i feel so helpless to stop it.


but no australia.

summer-australia=uber depressed denise.

for those 2 1/2 weeks, i will be miserable. with only my pictures.

i hate this. so much is so little time. i met people. made friends. visited places. and now. its just... blah.

I miss him so much. i so badly want to say that i hate him for having just... walked out on me like that. for having just stopped talking to me without giving me a reason, muchless giving me a chance to right what ever it was that i did wrong. but i dont hate him. i miss him. he was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. and then he was just gone. in the blink of an eye. literally. no calls. nothing. not even a damn e-mail. i mean really. an E-MAIL! not even an "denise, i hate you. dont EVER TRY TO TALK TO ME AGAIN! STAY AWAY! I HATE YOU!"


and that hurts even more that him telling me he hates me.

maybe he doesnt. maybe something bad happened. like they say, "bad things happen to good people."

no. not possible. i've seen him online. or was it him?

::shrugs:: dunno.

but i finally finished that letter i started writing to him. i even addressed it. but do i have the balls to actually send it? will i? will i risk being ignored once more. knowing that they is a huge chance he probly might not even choose to read it? knowing that 20 years from now, with still hope that he'll write back, i'll half empy inside. it seems like every attempt i make to talk to him, so create closure, then i dont get a response: the void in me just gets bigger and bigger; more painful than before. why do i do this to myself? i dont have an answer.... i never do. and i must always settle for that: nothing. blank space. silence. silence from myself, silence from all of those around me.

i hate it more than life itself. more than pity from others. more than blood seeping out of me for a whole week. once a month. for the rest of my life.

to leave or not to leave?

not that anyone cares.

im not popular enough for people to care.


whenever i've made up my mind about leaving, something always opens my eyes wider. i see the whole picture. the whole panoramic view, rather than just what i wish were just there. and i realize, as bad as it is, and badly as its eating me alive... from the inside out... i'm better off staying. cause i can't live without bryan. and i cant live without raul. and starting somewhere new, not having someone to comfert me in the croud of people i dont know. faces i've never seen. i need familiarity. i need the reassurance of people who atleast pretend to care, to care for me when i simply cant care for myself. and by leaving, that would take it all away. or the little bit that i have atleast.

i need a nap.
  • Current Music
    breaking the habit - LP