June 11th, 2004

alien © me

give me a hug, and a reason... a reason to keep going...

ok, so i finally worked up the nerve to call Daniel last night. I had been wanting to for the passed few days. And yesterday i finally made up my mind. andi claled him.

but i got his answering michine.

and it was weird.

Things were... differnt.

LIke, his voice. The "effect" if had on me. It was different.

Whenever Daniel called, whenever i heard his voice, it was always ::oooh! warm fuzzy feeling inside!!!::

But this time. I dont know.

i guess i got used to not hearing his voice for so long.

it was just. Blah.

no real emotional reaction.

it was just... another unfamiliar voice ringing through my ears. no warm feeling. no fuzzy feeling. so feeling of joy, or sense of hope or happiness. no "i know i'm going to be feeling better these next ___ mintues".

it was just. a voice. a voice that no longer brought a smile to my face.

it was all so hollow and shallow. so... empty.

and i DONT WANT THAT!

Daneil has ment to much to me for it to end like this. With silence. Not even a good bye! i REFUSE to just let this go like if it were... my friendship with ana. i cant just say "oh well, thats how it is" and just walk away. i loved the friendship too much to just walk away. I put too much into it to let it go so easily. DANIEL MENT/MEANS TOO MUCH TO ME TO JUST LET THINGS END SO... UNOFFICALLY.

DAMN IT!

NO!

and it pisses me off b/c i wouldnt even be this worked up about it if he had simply SAID SOMETHING! if he had TOLD me he didnt want to be my friend. if he TOLD me that he hated me. if he TOLD me SOMETHING! something that wouldnt leave me hanging... wondering.

DAMN IT!

agh. on another note.

congrats to the ever-so-great Ryan! he's graduating! yayness for him. :) i wish i could go.




i went out to dinner today. m/ the mom, raul, his parents, and his parents friends, bill and andrea, and their daughter claire. it was ok. we went to this steakhouse in mission valley. at first i thought we were gonna go to the outback steakhouse, and i could picture myself bursting into tears infront of everyong while looking at the menu, remembering when i ate that stuff, and when we stayed at that one hotel, with the restaurant where we cooked our own meat. i saw it all... just before my eyes.

but then they didnt go all the way south, and they turned into this like, unknown, hidden place, and i felt kinda better.we ate, talked. the end. it was pretty ok. i guess.

so bobby came back to school yesterday. which relieved me. i would be even more depressed with a bobbiless life. :(

i had stuff to say, but nothings coming to me right now.

i took pictures. if dead cat skeletons, and of my dinner. some other stuff, and i also want raul to email me the pictures HE has, so im hoping to upload them soon my children!

and now, im off to Oz.
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