August 31st, 2004

walking away © me

things are never gonna be the way you want

rauly poopy facewas here last night. and he played with my label maker.

he forgot to bring me a hammager though. and i was really hungry. and i had really bad cramps. + i was mad cause i didnt do anything.

i wanted to go to the store, but my mom didnt take me. gr.

so. the quince.

um. i got there was angry. at the table i was sitting at there was some guy on the opposite side, and he kept staring at me. and it just got me more mad. then my mom saw my grandma at another table so she wanted to move tables, and i was jsut like "tell her to come over here!" but we ended up moving instead cause my cousin came over and asked me why i was mad. then he told me he got his nipples pierced. my reaction "WHAT!?" i dont know why i was so shocked. its so luis like to do that. then he showed them to me, i was gonna take a picture, but i didnt get a chance to. i was angsty some more. and my aunt called my friend martin over, and he sat by me, and i was still feeling emo-angst like whoa. then i started drawing on napkins. then... i started taking some random pictures. i painted on the napkins with some of my nail polish. then this little girl walked by me, and i gave her a picture of a butterfly. and then she decided to make herself my friend, and she went to get a piece of paper, sat next to me, and drew me a picture. i later found out that the girl was martin's cousin. :-\. then martin + i went outside, and we just hung out, talked, ect. then some little annoying kid came over to us. and he was really annoying. and he wouldnt go away. then the security came oer to us, and asked if he was with us, and we were like "NO!!!!" so the guy made him leave. haha. sucker. and thats about it. i got cold, so we went back inside, had cake. then end. nothing special. and i feel uber bad for not going to carolina's quince.

and today i went to the fabric store, and my mom was looking at "party favors" for quinces.

which leads me to the big australia vs. a quince dilema.

the deal was, i either go to australia, or i have a quince.

and i was like "australialikewhoa!", and it wasnt a problem at the time, but come my 15th birthday, and my mom... i dont know... i just... i definitely dont REGRET going to australia... but i feel like i made a really selfish decision. i DID make a selfish decision. i thought only of what i wanted. and i know my mom is hurt beyond being healed.

whenever we're at a quince. its like. i see the hurt in her eyes. i feel like i've deprived her of something that she was automatically entitled to in being mexican, and having a daughter. and i hate myself for not having thought of that before. as much as im glad i went to australia, i feel like i should have made a decision not only based on what i wanted, cause in the end, im not the only who was affected. gah. and today she said something about a quince. i dont remember exactly what she said. but when she said it it stung. i felt like bursting into tears and apologizing non-stop to let her know that it hurts me to know that i have caused her that pain. a pain that as much as she may try to hide or deny... i know is there. and... bla. i dont know. i wish i could fix things. but nothing i do will bring back my 15th birthday. so. i guess i just gotta live with what i got, and accept that things are never gonna be the way you want. right?


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